Babies- going going gone

 

[for the record. I love my kids and enjoy my life with them. I'm not looking for advice here hahah. Just getting out my thoughts and feelings.]

   Everyone around me, around my age, are either having their first baby or they are in the middle of the baby toddler phase. Its the phase of the baby chub, blabber, and just baby magic! It's an amazing time. And I find myself looking at all these pictures and posts longing for that time. And feeling like I am a horrible mother. HA! They are these happy moms who are just in love with their phase their in. Which is amazing. It really is. I was there once guys. But I was a teen mom, and even though I KNOW that and the fact I got started early- I'm still so shocked by the difference of our "mom lives" right now.
   Cause here's where I am now.
    My oldest child turns 10 this summer. My youngest babe turns 2 this spring. Scatter some sassy emotional 8 year old and some of that evolving 4 year old. I'm done for. I am not in that lovey dovey heart eyes stage. No. They all have their unique challenges (and joys of course) and it has me wasted on the couch by 4:00.
   The fighting is hard core. There's no blood... yet. But there might as well be with all the screaching Lafe does and cruel talking and yelling Beck throws down.
Sometimes I think .. what the hell am I doing?! How did this happen?! Why are they so big? Why do they hate me?!? and WILL THEY EVER STOP FIGHTING?? and finally.. Does it get better?
   It just seems at times to be so dang hard! While we're at it.. I'm just going to go ahead and get this off my chest. Ever since I had my first boy, I thought ... " Noooooo the awkward boy years! " You know the ones. Boys!! ages 9-14... BOYs! I have a pretty great older boy. But that boy phase is a real thing. And we are in it. And I bite my tongue a lot.
   Maybe it's the whole span of ages I have with my kids. The screaching 2 year old with the sassy 8 year old. But then again, I've surprisingly loved the different aspect the age gaps have brought.
   Maybe this is just life. Life goes on and gets busy and crazy and personalities develop and kids grow! Who knew!
   Maybe we all get to this point in motherhood. I think so.
   Maybe I need to remember that I had my time with that precious phase. No other obligations. Just toddlers and babies. I had that. And time is taking us on a journey now to our new phases. And it kinda feels like a new phase every other month.

   Last night my oldest two were playing M.A.S.H. Hilarious. I just stayed in the next room and listened in on their giggles and secrets of who they like. When I finally came in they wanted to do the M.A.S.H to me. Beck was adamant about Tucker being the only option for husband. Thank you Beck. Aside from that, they did it all traditional style. And I got every single thing right on to what my life is right now.
   Married to Tucker, live in a house, drive a Honda, and have 4 kids.
   The kids died.
   "It was Riiiiiiiight!"
   This phase of older kids does have its perks.

   I will ride it out and smile more during the fights. Laugh at the elementary age jokes. And thank my lucky stars I have 4 beautiful healthy kids who are learning and growing, and I get the privilege of watching it all.

A Haiku

A Haiku for my weekend.

Three days with my sibs.

Hole in my nose three times through.

A llama for all.

 I have always wanted my nose pierced. It's something that I used to say, well if i weren't mormon I would definitely get my nose pierced! Tuck knew it, even my mom knew it. Five months after leaving the church I felt like it was time. I felt enough time had passed to be resepectful... (to whom I was trying to respect i dunno). I kept trying to wait it out longer. I didn't want people to judge me. My actions. And then relate those actions to my decision to leave the church. I didn't want people to treat me differently. I didn't want people to think I was seeking attention, or just rebelling. I even worried a bit how my kids would react. It's something so minor to other people, but for me it was a big thing... yet not a big deal at all! Then Tucker and I were having a conversation and of course he says the obvious.. who cares. Who cares what other people think. People will always make assumptions. You gotta do you. I love him. Because in that moment he was telling me the exact lines I tell my kids. 

I realized I just had to do it. Because that's what I wanted to do. That's it. I wanted to pierce my nose. That moment of clarity was enough that I made the decision. I got a referral from my cousin. I told my sister that after I picked her up from the airport she was coming with me straight there. I committed. Because I wanted to. And I can do whatever I well please. 

Lucky me though, got to be pierced three times. Three. Times. Apparently my nose is "unique" inside and has a stubborn ridge that kept making the piercing the wrong angle. But third times a charm and I loved it. And I also loved the discount they gave me because of it. I'll be downgrading to the smallest stud size when its all healed. And I cannot wait. 

With my sister was in town and my oldest brother out of prison, that made all four of us Hope siblings in town together. So we got together with our Peruvian cousins and all got matching llama tattoos by my beautiful talented and selfless cousin Eryka. There was no better time and place for my first tattoo, surrounded by my brothers and sister. My amazing supportive husband. And my rad cousins. I have to admit i was nervous picking a spot to put my amazing llama. I'm a very indecisive person so this was quite the task for me. But I found a nice little home for my llama on the side of my wrist. And a bonus was this small of a tattoo in that location did not hurt as bad as that bloody nose piercing!  Can I just say too, my llama is the most beautiful llama I've ever seen. I'm forever grateful for my cousins to share it with.

I'm still me. I haven't gone off the deep end. I am not lost. I am me. I am doing the things I've always wanted to do, but had to suppress. And doing these things make me happy. I feel like I am becoming me. In a new light. The person that was buried. I feel free. 

And I hope those that truly know me and love me, will see that. But I am also realistic that even people who think know me.. or even really do know me... may still pull away and choose to think differently of me. And I'm working on being okay with that.

But... as Weezer would say..

"If you don't like it, you can shove it. But you don't like it, you love it."

The great stuff & Turning points of 2016

2016  was a really great year.

The really really Great stuff:

• Tucker started his RN job in the ICU.. that also came with a real salary! say whattt
• We took our first real family vacation with just our family of 6. Camping on the Oregon Coast is unreal amazing.
• Tucker and I have been on a fantastic journey in our marriage and it has never been better.
• Tucker and I went on our honeymoon and to celebrate our 10 year anniversary a tad early in Barbados. My life has been changed and travel is calling my name. That time together was amazing. We definitely lived the motto of "Treat yoself" 
• Arli cut her hair short... hello pre teen
• Beck got braces and then got them off!
• I finished my first triathlon. Something I never thought I could do..  but I survived the swim!
• The kids started at a new school where they are thriving at. And do all the typical elementary school stuff which I adore.
• We've made amazing new friends. The kind where all your kids magically play together and are best friends and us adults can have fun too. It's magic.

The turning point stuff:
      We really had our own paths separately for this. But personally, I began to really examine my faith.
     I had struggled with my religion for some time. Beginning of the year I started looking deeper. Though I had my own issues in the back of my head for a while, when I couldn't look away any longer I had to truly examine my faith. And it was the best thing I ever did. Even just saying that is bizarre. But it's true to my thoughts and feelings.. in every aspect thus far.  I realized how much growing up in the religion really affected me negatively and affects me to this day which I try and be mindful of. I came to my conclusion and luckily after some hit and miss, Tucker was right there with me. (I'm not typing out my whole transition spiel in this particular post though.)
      We arrived at the same conclusion separately. It seriously was a beautiful thing. I feel very lucky to be on the same page as my spouse about it.
      I personally was dealing with this journey most of 2016 already and then together we left the LDS church in August and began deciding together our new route. That in itself was really unifying for us. I'm proud of us.
     A lot of things are better than ever before. Just life in general is happier for us. And I realize that is probably hard for some people to hear. By some, I mean, MOST everyone that knows us. Maybe even not believable to some. And that's okay. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, beliefs, and feelings.  I just personally can say how I feel. How I genuinely am happier. But not only me, my oldest kids are too. And that brings me even more peace.
    Us leaving the church isn't something I declared publicly when it happened. Yet I know word of mouth travels fast.  And this is indeed a small world. I find it interesting interacting with friends or people when I know they've talked about my church activity to anyone but me. And they think I don't know.  Honestly, I genuinely find it interesting. It's almost like I'm watching a movie and I'm just waiting to see how this all plays out. Who's going to still be a genuine friend. Who will fade away. Who will be nosy for their own benefit. Who will try and save me. Or who will not acknowledge it again after you tell them.
     I feel lucky to have my family who love me unconditionally. And we can speak openly about this and anything else. I'm pretty lucky to have a handful of truly loving friends who accept  me and love me along this journey. It'd be a pretty lonely rode without them all.

     I learned a lot in 2016. I did a lot in 2016. I was brave in 2016! And I did me- with love in my heart. And I'm proud of that.

In a Year

Almost one whole year has passed since I last wrote in this space.
In that year I have grown immensley. I think it was the best year personally, I've had. I grew to know myself more. It was a lot of experiences that showed me I am so capable. Capable of doing hard things physically, mentally, and spirtually.
I ran Robie Creek April 2014. It was so beyond hard. But so worth it! What a rush! I know if I can train to do that, my other goals seem reachable- so that's super exciting to me.
2014 was definitely my year for racing and doing those things for me.
I also ran in the Sawtooth Relay with some girlfriends. The mountains were cleansing to my soul. I am so weird when it comes to my mentality while running- so I practiced overcoming that.
I ran in the Wasatch Back Ragnar race with a group of people I didn't even know. I knew one friend there. and made lifelong memories with new ones. Maybe not so much outwardly, because I am kinda hard to get to know in a group, but more me on the inside. It was so hard for me to be there almost "alone" on the inside at first. I missed my kids and felt so guilty. But running races with people is a beautiful thing! And I got to know those teammates maybe even more than I wanted to haha. I feel so blessed to have been able to run that race because of those selfless friends.
In the summer I also went away on a quick girls trip to McCall. I could have brought my kids, but they had swimming lessons, so away I went. It was a revitalizing couple of days! At first I felt bad and almost regret going. But I pushed that aside as much as I could and I then really really enjoyed that time just relaxing (not running) without my kids.
Tucker was beyond supportive. One week I was only home one full day with all the racing and traveling. He has grown a lot too, it shows in how much I got to do for myself with his help.
Then to close off a great race season I ran the FitOne Half Marathon. Not only was it a beautiful course- probably my favorite so far- but I also revealed to my family and friends that I was pregnant with #4 babe. I wore a shirt that said "running for 2" Although I was only like 10 weeks -hehe so not yet showing (to anyone else at least) and not totally sick yet. So it was great timing for me! I took the race super easy and that was so hard! My time was way better than I thought it was going to be just going easy, so I knew I could have gotten under 2 hours for sure if I had been in the "racing" mindset. But played it safe for bebe.
We found out bebe was a boy the day after my birthday! Shock consumed all of us.. and tears consumed me and Arli. Real life feeling over here ha. But now months later I am truly excited for Rivers to have a bff. But I still need that 2nd girl sometime....
I was really good about continuing to workout while pregnant up until December. Now I walk one mile on the treadmill and I am hurtin and spent.
Trials have still persisted off and on. But as it goes on, I am getting better at dealing with them in a healthy way for me and my family. I still will never know what the future holds for me. But I cannot live in worry of the future. I won't let the adversary rob me of my joy in my life. I am still practicing, but I am happy in the moment.. and as long I know I am doing all I can, I can find peace. I think that was the biggest thing I learned in 2014 was about finding Peace.

That was my 2014 in a nutshell.
I may or may not update the blog on happenings of 2014. I would like to. I have so many pictures that I love from that fabulous year.

Life goes on

It's funny how life goes on sometimes.
I've been M.I.A. around this space. And I feel fine about it actually. I've been focusing on some other aspects of my life that needed some attention. Getting things in order. Re-grouping. Life is grand.. but in the grand scheme there always must be some trials.  But yet, I am blessed beyond belief.

The holidays came and went! Phew!
Our 7th anniversary came and went! Wow!
Arli's 5th birthday came and went! Crazy!
Rivers is talking and is an actual toddler! Ah!
Spring is upon us and I feel renewed. Just like the newly blooming flowers around me. I feel myself becoming once more. I am feeling a little more whole each day.

I took this picture of Arli a month or so ago. I love it.
She is strong, sensitive, kind, loving, and caring. She is truly a free spirit. She is in tune with herself.  She loves with all she has. I look up to her in countless ways. I want to be like her. I want to know myself in and out and love every bit of it. I want to create what my mind brews up. I want to love like she loves.

I want to see things through my kids' eyes more. I really do. I want to slow down and enjoy this fleeting time I have with them.
Because admist the errands, chores, work, and heartwrenching trials.. these little ones are growing up.
And I want to soak it all up!

Rivers & a pop

This guy. 

I swear he is making up for being the best baby ever and turning into the busiest toddler ever. Not bad at ALL, just so busy. 

One minute I'm changing his diaper, looking for a diaper, and the next minute he's on the kitchen table swiggin leftover mini pop. 

Not to mention drawing all over my walls, my new coffee table (a friend built for me), and of course his face. 

But then he looks at me.. with that sweet face, big hazel eyes, and undeniable dimples!! 

Stop it right there Riv. 

This is hardly fair. 

How can my motherly discipline compete with that coming at me all day. 

Even Beck and Arli see it. 

Rivers turns into our own midget Godzilla and terrorizes their toys, little people villages, and lego creations. Beck will fight him off all while talking to him in that cute voice reserved just for Rivers. Arli will scream and yell and watch him crush her creations but then carry him elsewhere and give him other toys. 

We love him.

I love him. 

All that chubba lub of him. 

How is he still so chubby?!? I have no idea. 

Cause trust me, he's moving-walking-running, and that chub is still there. 

And those cheeks look pretty set in their ways. 

And I love every ounce of it.

This guy. 

This sweet lovable Riv Guy is our sunshine. 

Bike ridin'

My car is in the shop. So we are a one car family for a bit. Tucker would normally let me have his car and ride his bike everywhere but his wheel is busted.
So me and the kids are on our bikes a bit more when Tucker has the car.
Since I have had it all set up anyway, we've been on more bike rides, along with riding to and from school.
It is perfect weather. Beck loves it. Riv and Arli are contained and love it. We don't ever have an agenda. We are in the moment.  I follow him as he leads us right or left, whichever he feels like exploring. Beck tells me stories of his day at school. Arli "clicks" her mouth and has me guess what song she's "clicking". Rivers laughs and makes his voice heard. We ride until Beck gets tired. And every time we get home and off our bikes I feel renewed. I'm a better mom. I get more things done. I don't waste as much time. The feeling carries into the rest of our day/evening and I do more real things with my kids. I think they kinda like me more. I know I like me more.
I hope my kids always love the outdoors as much as I do. But they can only learn to love it if we are out there. Soakin it up. Throwing rocks. Watching the river.
I love going over the bridge. Beck usually slows down as he trys to pedal hard up the bridge. Once we get to the middle, I slow down almost stopping and look over the river. I look each way and breathe in deep. Boise is so beautiful. And my kids are so lucky to grow up here. I feel luckier to be physically able to be active with them and show them their surroundings.
Truth be told I probably wouldn't have even been biking as much had my car still been available.
I won't go as far to say I'm thankful that my car broke down. But I'm grateful for this little gift I found. A gift for my kids. But even more a gift to myself.
Each day I feel more grounded.


Beck may have caught on to the bike riding trend going on. Today he asked if we could go on a bike ride. Usually I'll sit and think about it. But right away I answered "Sure! Let's go!" He beamed! Was beyond excited.
I overheard him tell Arli, "hey Arli, try it, ask mommy if we can go on a bike ride and every time she'll say Yes! From now on!"    hahah Oh Beck.