Sunday, July 14, 2013

What was..

Life is such an unexpected ride. Full of turns, surprises, and drop offs.
Through my experiences I have really learned to go with the flow of what life hands me. I try not to stress over the little things. Things that used to keep me up at night and waste so much of my energy. When you cannot control life, what's the point of throwing so much weight into it. Though I admit it's not always as easy to do.
In late May the kids went to a playdate and I had no errands, no gift cards to spend, and no plan. Tucker texted me to get a pregnancy test. I laughed out loud and in my text back, but reluctantly agreed.
This is where the unexpected of life swoops in and throws me for a ride.
The pregnancy test was positive. I was shocked, scared, and stressed. Not because I was having another so soon. (I looove having them so close) But because of what people would think of me. It seems no matter how old I am, even of child bearing age now, people will always think of me as too young to have a baby. Or is that just the print that being a teen mom left on me? Whichever, I was in tears because of the results.
After a phone call to one of my best friends, I was normal again. Reality had set in and I was thrilled. Another baby! And probably my last. I escaped the silly worries of others' judgements, and excitement filled me.
I told Tucker and he was shocked, but with a smile. He was so happy but of course as reality sets in the planning comes into play. We'd need a new car. How would the rooms workout? Was it another winter baby? And Ohhh I wanted a girl! It was becoming real! And it consumed all my thoughts.
I got to work on appointments and the waiting game began. Little did I know it would be a whole month of the waiting game to fully see what was happening.
I didn't feel pregnant at all, but I thought maybe this time was a lucky time. A bit of doubt was in my mind also which is why I could barely handle the wait. I tried to keep busy which wasn't hard with 3 kids, swimming lessons, gymnastics, hikes, and more.
My first appointment was an ultrasound a couple weeks later. We were so anxious. It was all too familiar and I longed to see a baby. When the screen showed an empty uterus I was crushed. We were crushed.
The Tech made light of it and said since we didn't know the due date, becuase of lack of last period information, to come back in 2 weeks and then we can see more growth and get a due date. As of what was on the screen the sac looked about 4 weeks along. I mentioned how that couldn't be possible right? Since I took the test more than 2 prior to that, there was no way for a pregnancy test to detect that early. She dismised my comment and said we didn't know anything and to wait and come back.
Right then I knew it was going to be a miscarraige. This exact thing has happened before. We knew that when we came back there would be no progress or worse, it'd all be over already.
And turns out we were right. I never wanted to be so wrong in my life. I already was so attatched to the idea of another baby. I wanted that baby. I wanted a miracle. And for a bit here and there I thought I might get one.
I miscarried almost exactly a month after I found out. Of course it was hard. Even though I was ready for it. I knew it was coming. But of course that doesn't make it any easier.
The nurse said how this kind of miscarraige is the high percentage of them. But then why does no one talk about it? I wish it weren't all so hush hush. Or responses completely silent. My heart ached. I'm grateful for friends and family that have reached out to me and checked up on me during the process. And listened to me. It is a loss, and sometimes that's all one needs. And of course I'm grateful for the 3 amazing beautiful healthy kids I have right now. Just thinking of them makes me smile.
We did not plan that pregnancy. And in the end of course my Heavenly Father knows us best and what we need and when. Though I hate to admit it, we could use a bit of time to prepare for this last little spirit to join our family. But now since we were so close.. I find myself yearning for a newborn. I'm grateful to say that I am not bitter towards those who are pregnant or have a newborn. Far far from that. This is my own journey. And I will gladly hold your cute newborn. Gotta get my fill until our time comes once again.
Until then, life goes on and thank goodness we are in the middle of summer to keep us busy. Making fun memories with our kids. Going on adventures. Trying new things. And loving on the chubby cheeks of my Riv. Turning what was into what is now. This is precious time that I am trying with all my might to not let go to waste.


Landon and Julie said...

I am so very sorry. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Erin Dougal said...

I'm sorry Michelle. It does need to be less hush hush because a lot of women go through it. I hope that the pain will pass quickly and that when the time is right, that last little baby comes. Hugs. Love you.

Cait said...

You are my hero, Michelle. You are so strong and selfless and positive! We'll be keeping your sweet family in our prayers!

Hansen's said...

So sorry to hear, Michelle! Thanks for sharing though, your positive attitude is inspiring! Keeping your family in our thoughts!

Carrie Valle said...

Michelle, I love you so much! This totally brought me from pure happiness to tears! You are an amazing Mom and you are so selfless and strong. Maybe this is an opportunity to prepare for a new member of the family. It does seem that blessings come and in very unexpected ways. Things will turn out for your good. Love you! xxooxoxx

Silvia Hope said...

I have love you and my children all like my own children I feel for you my daughter ..I have 5 beautiful grandchildren 3 here with us and 2 in Heaven what you will have a chance to raise them again ..and I will be there to love them just like I love my banbinos here on earth ....Im so happy that you and Tucker got married in the temple and that is so important we are going to enjoyed them together such beautiful spirits are my grandchildren thank to you and tucker and specially to our Heavenly Father.

Kim Denison said...

You are a rockstar mom, you know that? My goal is to be as fun and active and as much of a "cool" mom as you are.

Annie said...

I did not know you miscarried this summer! I am so sorry. My best friend recently miscarried and wrote a beautiful post on it.